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Heavy Metal Horoscope

I was poking around Yahoo! last night, getting a feel for their writing style and wondering about my qualifications to write about anything other than music (in case you're wondering, I decided I am qualified but it's quite complicated), when I stumbled onto the horoscopes.

Horoscopes are the candy bars of journalism: completely unnecessary deliciousness. So, I stop to read the Leo prediction. It was decent enough so I went on my way. Then I thought - Eureka! - what if there was such a thing as a heavy metal horoscope?!

Then I Googled my idea and got pissed because the guys at Metal Sucks thought of it first. Damn. I give myself a pass, though. There's a team of them at the Metal Sucks Mansion and there's only one Glam Mistress, so what can I say?

Why not just borrow (steal?) a 'scope from another news agency - for our demonstration we'll use Yahoo! - and change it around to make it Metal.


It's not all that often that you find yourself cast in the role of mediator, but today your temperament is just right for handling a touchy situation. With careful words and a friendly smile, you can make inroads where others cannot because the combatants appreciate that you are trying to be fair. Keep trying even if you secretly think you're in over your head. Good results will crown your efforts.

Now, the Glam-Metalled Leo version:

It's not all that often that you find yourself listening to Gwar and thinking 'Crap! I could totally be listening to Kix instead. I've just wasted four minutes of my life on Gwar.' Young flower, listen to "Cold Shower" whilst pondering the Moon in the second house. Will Jupiter align with Mars? 

Listening to Kix will make you less bitchy (see how I made "temperament is just right for handling a touchy situation" more Metal by adding a swear word?!) and you'll be able to talk your drunk friend off a ledge. Or at least from spending all her hard earned money on Hinder tickets.

With careful words and a friendly smile, you can make inroads where others cannot, which will usually land you a backstage pass, especially if you're a girl and you happen to be at a Bret Michaels show. Wear something tight and you're golden.

Leos are creative, bossy and enthusiastic. They are usually smart, too. If you're a Leo, be glad. People - especially long haired Glam musician types - are naturally drawn to you.


Wasn't that easy? Now, go ahead and make your own horoscope for your astrological sign. I don't have time or patience to do them all. I am, after all, a Leo. We tend to get bored easy.

Also, to the kind folks at Yahoo! - thanks for letting me borrow your horoscope. Please don't sue me.



Reader Comments (3)

Beyond hilarious!

By the way, Metalboy! is a Gemini!
December 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMetalboy!
Kenny Ozz's birthday is TODAY. Which makes him a Sagittarius. LOL. And man, I cant believe youre hating on GWAR that bad. They arent terrible. Theres many worse bands to rip on "Like Nickelback". BLAH!
December 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKenny Ozz I meant Metalarious!

Happy belated Birthday, Kenny O! And I feel like I owe you a Birthday present, as you have given me so many gifts of tips on great bands and albums. Thanks Kenny, and I hope you had a good one, though I can't imagine you not doing so.

I bet a fair amount of your Birthday loot is Metal!

Cheers, Kenny!

p.s. And I'm with ya, Nickelback sux!
December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMetalboy!

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