Sitting on the couch, watching some music videos I had a bit of an epiphany: I miss my youth.
Disclaimer: I am 28. I am not old. I am not young. I am stuck.
During this moment of heightened lucidity, I realized I miss my youth so much right now because the last six months have been the most creatively frustrating time of my entire life. The soundtrack to my epiphany? Def Leppard's Hysteria of course. Yeah, I listen to all sorts of music - I own way too many albums. I am blessed to earn enough money to purchase plenty of music to engage my soul, but every time I miss my youth, I go right back to Hysteria.
Put on Hysteria and I'm eight again.
Why eight and why Hysteria? Simple: Def Leppard were the soundtrack to my life when I was that young. Sure, I was big into Poison, but when I want to feel young...it's Hysteria or bust.
I'm been feeling like sleep won't hold me anymore. It's like whatever I do...there's a nagging feeling that I should be doing more. That more is writing. That I should be writing all the time. All the damn time.
Here's a complex emotion that words probably can't describe, but if you're a writer, an artist, a musician then you'll know what I mean: at points in your life your body starts to ache because you need to create. You must become your art. The rest of the world stops because you need to create. Only problem is, real life and human emotion are rarely in sync. Sadly, real life wins out.
Let me explain further. I was "listening" to satellite radio yesterday while driving to work. I had zero recollection of the trip or the songs on the dial. I was terrified when I sat down at my desk and realized that I couldn't remember stopping at lights or even walking from my car to the building. The entire commute I was in a completely other world, creating. There's a recurring theme that keeps running through my mind. This tells me I have a story inside me - perhaps a novel - that needs written. Lately, my mind has been consumed with this story. I find myself obsessing about it everywhere: at work, in the car, at the store. Now here's the rub: when I sit at my computer to write, I can't. I'm rendered impotent by the fear. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of exactly...but the fear is real, palpable and very painful.
So why do I miss my youth? There was no other time in my life when I so free creatively. From the ages of eight to 18, I wrote freely. Sure, I didn't have to worry about working 40+ hours a week, but I don't think that's the issue here. There's something deeper going on...and I can't quite place it and at the end of the day, I'm freaked out.
So I listen to Hysteria and flip through music videos and remember being a kid. There are all sorts of songs that take me to a different time in my life, and no, they are not all Glam. I guess Hysteria is the permanent in the ever-changing soundtrack of my life.
I suppose all roads lead back to Glam, don't they? The majority of us love Glam because the music makes us feel young, full of life, excitable. Yep, I went there.